Let’s get right into it:
1) What you’re serving is not fucking poutine.
I’m not Canadian and this pisses me off enough that I might someday go all “Jesus in the Temple” nuts on a shop that claims to serve it. Day after day, week after week, I hear Seattle magazines, Seattle restaurants, and Seattle people all raving about their uber-cool poutine scene.
Unfortunately, the majority of places aren’t making poutine. In nearly all of these places, the cheese curds that make poutine what it is are noticeably absent, usually substituted with melted cheese or cheese whiz. I become enraged with a random Quebecois spirit whenever I see this failure on a menu.
Congrats Seattleites, you’ve successfully made a New Jersey diner staple, Disco Fries, only you make it sound exotic and charge eight dollars for it instead of three.
Listen, I know curds might freak some people out, but at least OFFER it. You can always have the whiz as a substitute for the uninitiated or scared.
PS: Don’t get me started on Fish & Chips failures… Where the fuck is the malt vinegar? Curry Fucking Ketchup Sauce? WTF???? K.I.S.S!!!!!
2) I’m not going to pay twelve dollars for a hamburger that comes out of a truck.
I found myself eating a six inch Po-boy sub for about nine dollars the other day, sitting on a bale of hay a few feet away from my chosen food truck. It was the cheapest thing I could find on the food truck menu that could still be considered a fully realized lunch, though I gladly could have had another to really call myself satisfied and full.
Everywhere I look in this town, food is more expensive than it should be. Seattle has one of the best locations in the United States for getting fresh seafood, land animal meat, and a giant plethora of vegetables, but I’m paying through the nose and I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because they trend toward the gourmet. I’m not sure I want gourmet food from a truck. I want junk food. I want to pay five dollars and be full of greasy meat and cheese. I don’t need remulades and aiolis and whatever the hell else is jacking up the price. I need to be full. I expect nice shit when I can actually sit in a nice place and enjoy the ambiance and atmosphere of things that aren’t truck fumes and errant parking lot dog shit. In this case, just fill my damn belly with comfort food at a reasonable price and let’s call it a day.
3) Three bucks for a slice of pizza is not a fucking deal
Neither is $2.50….two and we’re getting warm, but not quite there yet…. Call me when we have some kinda deal where I can get a can of beer and a slice for maybe $2.50-$3, then we’ll be on the right track. A whole pie at twenty dollars isn’t a deal either.
And as a slight pet peeve: Yeah, that’s not NY style. Close, but no cigar… But there’s never really bad pizza, so I’ll survive…
4) When did breakfast become pretenious?
I look over my local dive bar’s breakfast menu and see that I’m not gonna get anything for less than about eight to ten bucks. When did breakfast become something so special? It’s just a bunch of cheap eggs and carbs. Chop up some potatoes, dump in some salsa, add an egg and sell me some five dollar huevos rancheros with my choice of side meat and bread.
You don’t have to have the logistical resources of IHOP or Dennys to make this work. Every East Coast Mom & Pop greasy spoon has figured out a scheme for financial success based on cheap, delicious, and filling breakfasts and a high rate of traffic.
Not sure why Seattle can’t figure it out. It musta been that strange idea to add truffle remulades and garlic basil lemon zest aiolis to everything.
5) Jesus Christ, just open a freak’n Dunkin Donuts.
I don’t really care if the coffee is made by a master. It’s the drug I want, not the drink. Give me some donuts that cost less than a dollar and a coffee that cheaply kicks me in the ass and gets my day going. The more it tastes like over-brewed mud, the more I know it’s working…
PS: Dunkin Donuts coffee is really better than Starbucks anyway, if we’re gonna compare corporate coffee….
6) Don’t you dare continue down this path of trying to make bagels exotic and expensive…..